Normally, I wouldn't write anything, and all you would see is the picture above. But, I feel the need to explain why I chose this picture for today.
Today has been one of my roughest days with the boys that I can remember. Asher fought his morning nap for an hour and a half, by screaming crying, no less. This put me on edge. Not too bad, so far, but definitely on edge. I finally got him to sleep around 11:30, and figured this was going to be his long nap, and that he would sleep until at least 2:00. Caleb and I went about our morning, I fed him lunch and went to put him down for his nap about 12:30. Not even 10 minutes later, I hear some movement, and as I look at our video monitor, Caleb is rapidly shaking the crib rails. The crib rails that is holding together the exact place Asher is sleeping soundly. Or was sleeping soundly I guess I should say, since he was now awake. I was absolutely furious. I briskly walked in to the bedroom and firmly told Caleb to go sit on the living room floor, where mommy would be in just a minute to discipline him. I found myself completely overwhelmed. Overwhelmed with frustration that Caleb would disobey me and get out of bed, as I had just told him not to, and frustrated that he would wake up his brother. Frustrated that after the morning I had with Asher, this was my one chance to have both of them asleep at the same time. I needed a shower, and I DESPERATELY needed some time at the feet of my Savior. And now, well, that was thrown out the window.
This time I was done, finished. I wanted to thrown in the towel. I found myself almost yelling at God, "I didn't sign up for this"! I called Aaron & my Mom and asked both of them to pray for me over the phone, I was so desperate for a glimmer of hope. Hope that instead of drowning in the days events, that maybe I could actually be treading water again. Hope that I could have a do-over with my boys. And that's when Jesus intervened. He gave me exactly what I needed, breath. He gave me just enough time with both boys sleeping again at the same time, so that I could eat (physical food) and pray and meditate on his Word (spiritual food). I begged for forgiveness. I begged for grace and mercy to fill me, so that I could shower my boys with just that, grace and mercy. I begged for the Lord to carry me through the rest of my day. I casted all my cares on Him and in turn, felt very cared for. Within minutes of finishing my quiet time, sure enough, Caleb woke up (earlier than normal), and as I went in to get him up, I knelt down and hugged him so tightly. I apologized for how I had reacted earlier, that I know I was not very nice, and asked him to forgive me. And even though I know he doesn't fully understand the concept of saying I'm sorry and asking for forgiveness, I know that if I don't start doing that now, modeling what it looks like, that I will regret it in the end. I'm thankful that he won't remember the days events, and I'm thankful that I will, because it will keep me at the feet of Jesus, and that's the best place I could ever be.
Lord, you brought me to my knees today and for the first time in a long time, I realized my need for YOU. I am so thankful that I know the truth, that You are the One who gives life. Lord, oh how I needed you today, and still need you even as I write this. I am so sorry for dishonoring you with my thoughts, actions & words today, I ask for you to forgive me. You deserve so much more from me. My precious boys deserve so much more from me. Help me to be continually reminded of my need for you, minute by minute. Humble me in whatever way necessary so that I NEVER forget that. You are Almighty Lord. Thank you for your grace and forgiveness today. I desperately needed it, and you graciously provided it. I love you Lord, and give the rest of this day to you. And I trust that even if it does not go the way that I think it should, that you will fulfill every need I have to make it through.
Be Blessed and Encouraged!