Wednesday, August 13, 2008

It's Really Happening...

I realized this morning, after a turn of events that this whole baby situation is really happening. In five months, we will have a newborn to take care of. We will be changing dirty diapers, feeding at all crazy hours of the night, all while trying to balance somewhat of a normal lifestyle and keep our marriage healthy. How is it humanly possible to do and be all of these things at once? How do I balance mommy hood, keep the house clean, cook dinner, have meaningful friendships and try to be the godly wife I am called to be, loving my husband and serving him all the while? I just don’t see how I can. I just don’t see how it is physically and emotionally possible. Something has to give, but all of those things seem to be so high on the list, how do I choose? Do I have to choose? What if I don’t want to choose?

My reaction to all of this: I AM SCARED.

I have built up in my head what parenthood is going to be like, and how fun and hopefully natural it will come to me, and am realizing that it’s not all fun and games. It’s serious work. It’s another life, that has been given to me to care for, love, cherish and disciple.

For those of you who know me well, I tend to beat up on myself when I haven’t been disciplined in different areas of my life. I also doubt myself quite often, questioning “Am I ready for this?” “There’s no way I’m going to be a good mommy, I can’t even stick to a schedule on my own time.” “I’m not equipped and disciplined enough to train up my child to be a godly man or woman. I can’t even have my own consistent quiet times.” These questions flood my mind each day and while I know the Lord has a plan for this little life, I guess I just wish he would clue me in on it every once in a while. But then again, this is where faith is supposed to come in to the picture. I don’t doubt, and never have, the goodness and faithfulness of our Lord, I question whether or not I will seize opportunities to teach our little one biblical truths. I question if my own habits or lack there of, will rub off on our child.

I’m sure every new parent goes through this fear at some point. In fact, I know that statement to be true. I’ve heard stories, I’ve seen situations, and I’ve watched new parents. Praise the Lord that He has his hand in everything we do. Praise the Lord that He keeps his promises. Praise the Lord that He is faithful even when we are not. Praise the Lord that I am not alone in this and that He is with me, every step of the way.

Now if only I could truly believe all of those praises. If only I could find a way to trust that the Lord is going to provide for my every need as a new mommy. Today, I’m struggling to believe those truths. Maybe tomorrow will be different, but right now, in this moment, I am struggling to believe.

Lord, help me to believe.

Be Blessed and Encouraged!

4 comments:

Self Family said...

You first questions and thoughts are so true...you alone cannot do everything well. But Christ - he can do all things thru you. If Christ is for us, who can be against us? You have the God of the Universe, creator of you and this little baby, on YOUR team!!
As soon as we forget this truth and try to do all things in our own strength is when we quickly realize our need for HIM.

Chrys and Mike said...

sweet jill. your thoughts are so normal. and what karla said is so true - you are not alone.

yes, everything is about to change. you'll get used to a new normal. but you will LOVE the new normal and it will be hard to remember what life was like before b/c you will love that little person so much. yes, it's harder in some ways, but the joys are greatly multiplied, too. it's so worth it.

chrys

Kim said...

do realize the first couple months you can't do EVERYTHING, and it is OKAY! I tried to do it all and I was so stressed out and didn't really enjoy those first few months. The world will not fall apart if things aren't spotless.
Ok-gotta go--the little one is trying to eat paper--yes a new normal. :)

ravenous-reader said...

Jill,
A piece of advice from a long time mom - a VERY LONG TIME!!

RELAX!!!

I promise you will be grateful if you just enjoy every day and be a relaxed mom. It makes for an easier baby every time - I should know!!

Love you,
Teri V