Monday, April 7, 2008

Breathing Again...

This post comes weeks overdue, and with no excuses. Life has happened and I have quickly learned time escapes us more swiftly than our eyes can even see. You could look at my calendar and see that the past month has been slow and uneventful, but the emotions and events in my heart would say otherwise. How I long to share my deepest longings and desires, to shout them from a mountain top, maybe then, the Lord will hear my cry. There are many others in this world who are starving for life, for love, for family, for work, for a place to call home, and yet, I sit here and write about my shaken soul, my untrusting spirit, and my unworthy heart as if my needs are greater than any of those who are lost and aching around me. Why must I beg for more when I have so much to give? Why must I find myself in a place of longing rather than a place of rest and contentment? Must my heart always desire more than the blessings I have already been granted in this life? More than anything in this world, more than any house, or car, or new clothes, or any material item I can purchase with money, I desire a family. For as long as I can remember, I have wanted to be a mom. There has never been anything as enticing to me as loving another person more than humanly possible. One time person emerging from two souls. A chance to whole-heartedly give of yourself, so selflessly. And yet, I find myself questioning the Lord's timing in all of this, wondering when it will be "my turn" as if I am holding a number in a long line of women who desire the same exact thing as I, rather than saying with a heart full of conviction and trust, "Your will be done, Lord, whatever it is, I trust your heart more than I trust my own desires." My time with the Lord has been rare and even then, uneventful. And as I have said before, I find the most contentment when I am truly in communion with my loving Savior. I have found myself wondering if my lack of children is some sort of punishment for past sins, and I praise the Lord for allowing me to actually see these thoughts for what they truly are, lies. I will no longer allow Satan to have a stronghold on my thoughts. My mind must be filled with the truth and knowledge of Jesus Christ, and Him alone.

I was out sick all last week with a sinus infection. After quickly going through three full boxes of Kleenex, and hours of HGTV and napping, I realized that I procrastinate excessively more than I ever imagined possible. Maybe it was the thought of staring at small typed words (the Bible), or the lack of focusness available when I could not hear, breathe or see clearly, but for some reason, I did not spend a single moment of those five days with my Jesus. How much longer is it going to take for me to realize and understand that He doesn't want 10% of me, He wants ALL of me. He doesn't want just two hours of my week, He wants ALL of my week! Every single moment, every sniffle, every cough, every tear, every heartbeat are His. Man, what a great opportunity I just missed out on! To spend endless hours in conversation with my maker, emotions and all! Pure disregard for the opportunity to have dinner with my provider, my father, my healer, my comforter, my Jesus. Oh how my heart longs for a "do-over". A chance to take back all of those meaningless hours spent in front of a manmade distraction (T.V.) instead of being still before the Everlasting God. A chance to sit face to face with the One who knows me better than I will ever know myself. The One who hears my prayers, who knows my thoughts, who longs to fill my desperate heart with the only thing that will replace void with and unexplainable joy.

Lord, give me a heart for you! Give me a desire and passion for you that is greater and larger than anything else that can fit in my tiny heart. Teach me discipline, teach me conviction, and teach me your Word, the word full of life, the word full of hope, the word full of your promises.One of my favorite things about being a child of the Perfect God is that EVERY DAY IS A NEW DAY!! My past is just that, my past. I no longer have to dwell on mistakes or sins committed, but I have the opportunity to rely on the promises of my heavenly father, the one who "...created my inmost being, who knit me together in my mother's womb...who's eyes have seen my unformed body, and wrote all the days of my life in His book before even one came to be..."

Lord, I commit today to you. I commit to love you more than any other, to live my life as a vessel for you, to open my heart and allow you full control of my thoughts, desires, emotions, my whole being. Thank you for your everlasting and unconditional love, a love that I do not have to earn, but is FREELY given to me!

Be Blessed and Encouraged!

1 comment:

Kim said...

I know how hard it can be to wait on "a family". Remember His time is perfect! Praying for you!