Struggling

As you can see, I haven't done a "real' post in quite some time. Other than the boys monthly updates, I honestly have not had the desire to do any posts. The past two months have brought me to my knees in prayer quite possibly more than any other time in my life. I'm not really sure where to start, except by stating this disclaimer **this post is being written to document life with two young boys. And I am fairly certain that 10+ years down the road, I will read this again, and laugh, and be reminded of how short this life stage is, even though right now, it feels like it will never end.**

I love my boys. More than life itself, I love them. I would do anything for them. I praise the Lord each day for blessing my life with them, two HEALTHY boys. But, something that I am learning as a momma, is that you truly never know what you are getting in to when you beg and plead with the Lord to give you a child. And that it doesn't matter how many you have, you still don't know what you're doing and you have to rely on the Lord just to make it through the day without having a mental breakdown.

These past few months have brought me to my core, down on my knees, weeping for the Lord to come in and in essence, rescue me, from this life stage. It is by far the most difficult and challenging thing I have ever done in my life. Oh, my sweet Asher, my little 10 month old honey, has been waking up nearly every night crying, screaming, talking and fussing, for hours and hours on end. No joke. Really. Now, most of you might say, well, that's normal for a baby. Unfortunately, my first child was nearly perfect as an infant, so I am absolutely clueless as to how to handle Asher. Also, very unfortunately, I am pretty sure that it's Caleb talking in his sleep/making noises that is waking up Asher, and since we only have two bedrooms in our tiny apartment, the boys are in the room together. Asher also had croupe and an ear infection that lasted a couple weeks, which I know threw off his sleeping as well. It's almost as if he gets back to sleeping through the night, and then he gets sick and it wipes his memory clean of knowing how to sleep through the night, so he has to relearn it all. And that's the point I feel like we are at today.

I have tried sleeping Caleb in our room. It works, for Asher that is. He sleeps without a peep all night. Caleb, on the other hand, wakes up, and like last night, was awake for 2 hours before I pulled him in bed with us, and it still took almost 30 minutes for him to fall back asleep. So, I've got one sleeping consistently each night, and the other one up for hours on end.

I know this probably doesn't sound like a big deal, but when you go weeks and weeks on end without a full nights sleep, and don't have the opportunity to nap during the day because of opposite nap schedules, and your kids wake up consistently by 6:30am, it wears you down. At least it does me.

I find myself on my knees right outside their closed bedroom door nearly every night, begging and pleading for the Lord to help. To silence my child so that we can all sleep and be rested for the next day. I have yet to have that prayer answered at that moment of praying it. And I get frustrated with God. I don't understand why when he has the power to help my child sleep all night, what is the purpose of not doing so? I get frustrated and I cry out to him, yell out to him. Countless nights I have cried myself back to sleep after waking up Aaron to "take over" since I've already been up for 2+ hours. I just don't understand. I just don't get it. It truly is worse than newborn phase, because at least then, most of the time you can feed them and they go right back to sleep. Asher doesn't do that. I can feed him and he will still stay awake for at least another hour.

All this to say, I am really struggling. Struggling to understand my child, what his needs are, if there is something wrong with him that I'm missing. I'm confused. He is absolutely great during the day. Naps well, plays with Caleb, has no problems from 7am - 7pm. It literally is just night time. I've tried every trick in the book that I can think of and am still at a loss. Tonight, I'm trying the very last thing I can think of, having Asher in the pnp in our room for the next few nights at least.

Anyway, there is a song, that I truly feel is my life story right now, and every time I hear it I cry buckets of tears. It's called "Blessings" by Laura Story.

We pray for blessings, we pray for peace
Comfort for family, protection while we sleep
We pray for healing, for prosperity
We pray for Your mighty hand to ease our suffering

All the while, You hear each spoken need
Yet love us way too much to give us lesser things

Cause what if Your blessings come through raindrops?
What if Your healing comes through tears
What if a thousand sleepless nights
Are what it takes to know You’re near?

What if trials of this life
Are Your mercies in disguise?

We pray for wisdom, Your voice to hear
We cry in anger when we cannot feel You near
We doubt Your goodness, we doubt Your love
As if every promise from Your Word is not enough

And all the while You hear each desperate plea
And long that we'd have faith to believe

Cause what if Your blessings come through raindrops
What if Your healing comes through tears?
What if a thousand sleepless nights
Are what it takes to know You’re near?

And what if trials of this life
Are Your mercies in disguise

When friends betray us, when darkness seems to win
We know the pain reminds this heart
That this is not, this is not our home
It's not our home

Cause what if Your blessings come through raindrops
What if Your healing comes through tears?
And what if a thousand sleepless nights
Are what it takes to know You’re near?

What if my greatest disappointments
Or the achings of this life
Is the revealing of a greater thirst
This world can’t satisfy?

And what if trials of this life
The rain, the storms, the hardest nights
Are Your mercies in disguise?

Lord, please help me to trust You. Give me the energy and strength I need to make it through each day AND night. Whatever it takes for me to trust you, your timing, and your plan, I'm ready and willing. Even if it is a thousand sleepless nights. Just give me your strength, please. I'm desperate. I know you hear each spoken and unspoken word, just help me to trust you.

Be Blessed and Encouraged!